北有云溪 -
good news and bad news
The soldiers had been marching and fighting, they were dirty, hot andtired. One day, the general announced: "My men, I have some good newsand some bad news for you. Which one would you like first?"
"The good news!" they all shouted.
"OK," said the General. "The good news is that you will each be receivinga complete change of clothing."
"Hurrah!" chorused the soldiers.
"And now for the bad news. Jack, you will change with John. John, youwill change with Tom. Tom, you will change with Robert. Robert ....
译： 好消息和坏消息
士兵们连续的行军，作战，他们又累又热又脏。一天，将军宣布：“士兵们，我有一些好消息和坏消息要告诉你们。你们愿意先听哪个呢？”
“好消息！”他们嚷道。
“好吧，”将军说，“好消息就是你们每个人都可以彻底的换一身衣服。”
“乌拉！”士兵们高兴地大叫起来。
“现在呢，该是坏消息了。杰克，你将和约翰换衣服，约翰，你和汤姆换，汤姆，你和罗伯特换，罗伯特……”
[幽默]-what miles on The Car?
A blonde（金发女郎） and a brunette（黑人妇女） were talking, and the blonde was very stressed. The brunette asked her what was the matter. The blonde proceeded to tell her that she really needed to sell her car, but no one would buy because it has 100,000 miles on it.
The brunette said to her, "I know a way that will help you sell it. I have a friend who can help you, but it"s illegal."
The blonde said, " I"ll do anything."So the brunette gave the blonde the phone number of a guy who could turn back the odometer on her car. A week later the blonde and the brunette crossed paths, and the brunette asked the blonde if she had sold her car yet.
The blonde said, "Why would I sell a car with only 50,000 miles on it?!"
[幽默]- an Old Maid
In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."
Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."
[幽默]-名演员的最后一次机会
There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.
The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline ‘Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.‘"
The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he‘s practicing his line over and over again.
Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."
The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!
"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"
The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"
"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"
[幽默]My Wife Will Exchange Them Tomorrow
A gentleman walks into a store and asked for a pair of gloves.
"Cloth of leather?" asked the salesperson.
"Makes no difference, "replied customer.
"What color?" asked the clerk.
"Any," he responded.
"Size?"
"Give me whatever you prefer," the gentleman said, slightly exasperated. "My wife will be back tomorrow to exchange them."
译： 反正我太太明天会来换的
一位先生走进一家商店要买付手套。
“您是要布的还是皮的？”售货员问。
“没什么区别。”这位顾客回答。
“那您要什么颜色的呢？”售货员又问。
“什么颜色都成。”他回答。
“号码呢？”
“您就随便给我拿一付吧，”这位顾客有点不耐烦了，“反正我 太太明天都会来换的。”
MY DAILY LIFE
Though my daily life is extremely monotonous, I try hard to adapt myself to it. Why? Because I intend to be a good student. I wish to render service to my country. I get up at six o"clock every day. After I wash my face and brush my teeth, I begin to review my lessons. I go to school at seven o"clock. After school is over, I return home. We usually have supper at seven o"clock. Then I begin to do my homework. I want to finish it before I go to bed.
虽然我的日常生活十分单调，但我却竭力设法去适应它。为什么？因为我打算做一个好学生，希望将来为国家服务。 我每天六点起床、洗脸刷牙后，就开始复习功课，七点钟我就去上学。 放学后，我就回家了。我们通常在七点钟吃晚餐，之后我就开始做家庭作业，希望在睡觉前把它做完。
Extinction has become a catchword(时髦话).Every day entire species of plants and animals die out,and for the first time in history this is due to the actions of just one species:humans. We already know about five mass extinctions,and now a sixth seems to be under way.This one is different,because it is man-made.Deforestation(毁林）of the rain forests is just one aspect of the phenomenon.Most people may have heard about that,but few people know that most of the species existing in the rain forests have never been described by science.Often they die out before we ever know existed.Nobody can tell what treasures we lose,perhaps a cure for cancer or other modern-day diseases.
World-famous Harvard professor Edward O.Wilson examines life on our planet in his book The Diversity(多样性)of life.He doesn"t lecture his readers,but states in matter-of-fact way what is known about the Earth"s past and the impact of mankind on its plant and animal life.Meanwhile,he suggests solutions for the present crisis.
If you are interested in the future of planet Earth and want to learn to see the bigger picture,this is the book for you.This is no night bedtime reading and will probably leave you feeling uneasy.However,it"s important for people living in the 21st century to think about how we can pass at least part of this diversity on to our children. Recent research shows that Earth needs about 10 millon years to restore the lost species after a great crisis.Ten ,million years are not much in terms of the life of a planet,but the period is way too long for mankind. Wilson"s book should help us to start a process of reconsideration.
Strange
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby would tend to think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer.
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That"s Strange!"
Too Polite
A woman who frequented a small antique shop rarely purchase anything, but always found fault with the merchandise and prices. The manager and her salesclerk took the woman"s grumpy complaints in stride, but one day she went too far. "Why is it I never manage to get what I ask for in your shop?" demanded the woman.
A smile on her face, the clerk calmly replied, "Perhaps it"s because we"re too polite."
太有礼貌
一名妇女经常光顾一家小古董店，但几乎从不买什么东西，却总是对商品和价格吹毛求疵。对于那妇女的粗暴抱怨，经理和她的销售员总是应付了事，但是有一天她做得太过分了。“为什么你们店里总是不能得到我想要的东西？”那名妇女指责说。
职员脸上带着微笑，沉着地回答道：“也许是因为我们太有礼貌了。”
Wings
The fried-chicken restaurant where I was working had a big rush just before closing one day, leaving us with nothing to sell but wings. As I was about to lock the doors, a quietly intoxicated customer came in and ordered dinner. When I asked if wings would be all right, he leaned over the counter and replied, "Lady, I came in here to eat, not fly."
翅 膀
一天，我工作的炸鸡店在关门前出现了一阵抢购狂潮，结果除了鸡翅外所有的东西都卖完了。当我正准备锁门时，一名喝醉了的旅客进来要进餐。我问他翅膀行不行，他从柜台上靠过身子来，回答道：“女士，我到这儿来是吃东西的，不是要飞！”
The Bear and the Two Travelers
TWO man were traveling together, when a Bear suddenly met them on their path.
One of them climbed up quickly into a tree and concealed himself in the branches. The other, seeing that he must be attacked, fell flat on the ground, and when the Bear came up and felt him with his snout, and smelt him all over, he held his breath, and feigned the appearance of death as much as he could.
The Bear soon left him, for it is said he will not touch a dead body. When he was quite gone, the other Traveler descended from the tree, and jocularly inquired of his friend what it was the Bear had whispered in his ear. "He gave me this advice," his companion replied. "Never travel with a friend who deserts you at the approach of danger."
Misfortune tests the sincerity of friends
A Nail Or A Fly?
An old gentleman whose eyesight was failing came to stay in a hotel room with a bottle of wine in each hand. On the wall there was a fly which he took for a nail. So the moment he hung them on, the bottles fell broken and the wine spilt all over the floor. When a waitress discovered what had happened, she showed deep sympathy for him and decided to do him a favour.
So the next morning when he was out taking a walk in the roof garden, she hammered a nail exactly where the fly had stayed.
Now the old man entered his room. The smell of the spilt wine reminded him of the accident. When he looked up at the wall, he found the fly was there again! He walked to it carefully adn slapped it with all his strength. On hearing a loud cry, the kind-hearted waitress rushed in. To her great surprise, the poor old man was there sitting on the floor, his teeth clenched and his right hand bleeding!
英语幽默故事
钉子还是苍蝇？
一位视力正在衰退的老绅士住进了一家旅馆的客房。他双手各拿一瓶酒。在墙上有只苍蝇，他误以为是枚钉子。他把两只瓶子朝上一挂，瓶子掉下来摔碎了，酒洒了一地。一个女服务员发现发生的事情以后，对他深表同情，决定帮他个忙。
于是，第二天早上他到楼顶花园散步时，她把一枚钉子钉在了苍蝇停过的地方。
这里，老人回到了房里。倒洒的酒味让他想起了那件事。他抬头往墙上一看，苍蝇又停在了那儿!他轻手轻脚地走近，使尽全力拍了一掌。听到一声大叫，好心的女服务员冲进房来。让她大为吃惊的是，可怜的老头正坐在地板上，牙关紧咬，右手滴血不止。
Is it far?
Ali, who was working a long way from home, wanted to send a letter to his wife, but he could neither read nor write, and he had to work all day, so he could only look for somebody to write his letter late at night. At last he found the house of a letter-writer whose name was Nasreddin.
Nasreddin was already in bed. "It is late," he said. "What do you want?" "I want you to write a letter to my wife," said Ali. Nasreddin was not pleased. He thought for a few seconds and then said, "Has the letter got to go far?"
"What does that matter?" answered Ali.
"Well, my writing is so strange that only I can read it, and if I have to travel a long way to read your letter to your wife, it will cost you a lot of money."
Ali went away quickly.
why do you never phone me?
Mrs Harris lives in a small village. Her husband is dead, but she has one son. He is twenty-one and his name is Geoff. He worked in the shop in the village and lived with his mother, but then he got work in a town and went ant lived there. Its name was Greensea. It was quite a long way from his mother"s village, and she was not happy about this, but Geoff said, "There isn"t any good work for me in the country, Mother, and I can get a lot of money in Greensea and send you some every week."
Mrs Harris was very angry last Sunday. She got in a train and went to her son"s house in Greensea. Then she said to him, "Geoff, why do you never phone me?"
Geoff laughed. "But, Mother", he said, "you haven"t got a phone."
"No," she answered, "I haven"t, but YOU"VE got one!"
The Ant and the Dove
An ant went to the bank of a river to quench its thirst, and being carried away by the rush of the stream, was on the point of drowning.
A Dove sitting on a tree overhanging the water plucked a leaf and let it fall into the stream close to her.
The Ant climbed onto it and floated in safety to the bank. Shortly afterwards a bird catcher came and stood under the tree, and laid his lime-twigs for the Dove, which sat in the branches. The Ant, perceiving his design, stung him in the foot. In pain the bird catcher threw down the twigs, and the noise made the Dove take wing.
One good turn deserves another
Mum:Mary,you must take off your beautiful sweater when you sleep.
Mary:I don"t want to take it off.
Mum:Why?
Mary:Why doesn"t the rooster take off its beautiful coat when it sleeps?
妈妈：玛丽，你睡觉时，一定要把漂亮的毛衣脱下来。
玛丽：我不想脱。
妈妈：为什么呢？
玛丽：大公鸡睡觉时，怎么不脱下它漂亮的外衣呢？
The Hare and the Tortoise
H: Good morning, Mr. Tortoise.
T: Oh, it"s you, Mr. Hare. Good morning!
H: What are you doing?
T: I"m running.
H: Running? Ha ha ha!
Can you run? Your legs are too short!
T: Of course I can.
H: My legs are long. I can run faster than you.
T: Don"t be so sure.
H: Well then. Let"s run to the tall tree over there. Let"s see who can get there first.
T: All right. Ready? Go!
Storyteller: Tortoise goes very slowly. But Mr. Hare runs very fast. Soon he comes to a small tree.
H: Where is Mr. Tortoise? Aha! There he is. He"s far behind me. How slow he is! Mmm, it"s so hot! Here is a tree. I"ll have a short sleep first.
T: Oh, hi is sleeping under the tree there. But I can"t stop. I must go on.
H: Ah! What a nice sleep! Let me go on. Oh, where"s Mr. Tortoise? Where is he now? I must hurry.
Storyteller: Soon he runs to.
1．Diligence is the mother of good luck.
勤勉是好运气的母亲。
2．It is the peculiarity of knowledge that those who really thirst for it always get it.
凡真正渴求知识者必能胜之，这是知识的特性。
3．It is to books that I owe everything that is good in me.
我身上所有优秀的品质都要归功于书籍。
4．Write it on your heart that every day is the best of the year.
把这铭记在你心里：每一天都是一年中最好的日子。
5．The three foundations of learning : seeing much , suffer
贝勒 -
介绍世界各国的国庆节的由来
National Day of the long history and goes back to ancient times. Therefore, the basis for the rest of the world have established the National Day bizarre. According to statistics, countries all over the world to establish the time of the country"s National Day 35. China to the founding of the National Day on October 1, 1949. Occupying the capital of the day as the National Day of Cuba, Cambodia, the Czech Republic and Slovakia. Some of the country"s Independence Day as the National Day of the country. January 1, 1804, the Haitian people annihilated the Napoleonic expedition to the 60,000 troops in Port-au-Prince to declare independence, and thus put to the annual National Day on January 1. Mexico, Ghana and other countries as well. Some countries to the armed intifada anniversary as a national holiday. Romania, the Communist Party led an armed uprising to overthrow the reactionary rule of Antonescu, to the anti-fascist war on August 23, 1944 as National Day. France to destroy symbols of the authoritarian period for its National Day. Some countries have a great day as the National Day of the meeting. July 4, 1776 the United States adopted the "Declaration of Independence" mainland date for the National Day. Canada is July 1, 1867 the British Parliament passed the "British North America Act" that day as the National Day. Japan is the birthday of Emperor Hirohito of Japan for the National Day. There is the head of state"s birthday a national holiday, Nepal, Thailand, Sweden, the Netherlands, Denmark, Belgium and other countries.